Ziggy Stardust
Feb. 8th, 2022 08:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI'm in the post Covid phase of viral exhaustion. More so now than before I wake up not knowing if I'm here in my house, or in my childhood bed. Some configuration of bed and window and sidetable and door. It may even be subconscious, and I have to map my awakened surroundings in my head, check if there are stairs that anchor me in now. It was happening before I was sick - I think that's being transported to another time where drunks fucked my life up. Now I am sick, it's just taking me back to times where I was young and feverish and didn't really understand what was happening.
Ziggy the cat has been there with me these past few weeks. When I was bed bound, she slept next to me the whole four days while I gently held her tail in my palm and dozed in and out of sickness. I don't remember her not being there, although she must have wandered off to fulfil her needs to cat. Now she's back to her own routine, but as I struggle to regain my energy and buggered sleep pattern, she still keeps me company in the weird wee small hours of the night.
I'm dipping back to times when I was exhausted like this. After I gave birth. Back at university when I had suspected Glandular Fever. I saw a couple out in Gloucester on Saturday and they reminded me so sharply of my first love that poignant nostalgia twanged my heart strings. I envied them their youth and beauty, I wondered if I would be in love like that again.
And I remembered back 18 months to where I first started to properly mentally break down. The sheer fucking exhaustion and aching of it all. I spent a lot of time on the bed then, blankly curled up, often cuddling Ziggy for comfort. She was first of all blatantly my ex partner's cat - he pushed hard to get a kitty, and Zig was the one of many I actually fancied myself. I remember envying their bond a bit - she was the centre of his attention, and she adored it. For about 4-6 weeks. It might have been one of the things that triggered my breakdown, looking back. Watching his attention for her fade until she became something that got between him and his first cigarette of the day, while I generally did the feeding and fussing.
I empathised too much with that little cat right then, and it wounded my heart. She actually glued it back together with her love and affection. Like me, sweet and desperate to nuzzle and bond. Most people want to build attachment. Most mammals want to build attachment - after parenting a human child, it was easy to just be there, meeting basic needs and supplying unconditional love.
And I've been up a few hours now and already exhausted, so back to cuddle my furball and slip in and out of dreams.
Ziggy the cat has been there with me these past few weeks. When I was bed bound, she slept next to me the whole four days while I gently held her tail in my palm and dozed in and out of sickness. I don't remember her not being there, although she must have wandered off to fulfil her needs to cat. Now she's back to her own routine, but as I struggle to regain my energy and buggered sleep pattern, she still keeps me company in the weird wee small hours of the night.
I'm dipping back to times when I was exhausted like this. After I gave birth. Back at university when I had suspected Glandular Fever. I saw a couple out in Gloucester on Saturday and they reminded me so sharply of my first love that poignant nostalgia twanged my heart strings. I envied them their youth and beauty, I wondered if I would be in love like that again.
And I remembered back 18 months to where I first started to properly mentally break down. The sheer fucking exhaustion and aching of it all. I spent a lot of time on the bed then, blankly curled up, often cuddling Ziggy for comfort. She was first of all blatantly my ex partner's cat - he pushed hard to get a kitty, and Zig was the one of many I actually fancied myself. I remember envying their bond a bit - she was the centre of his attention, and she adored it. For about 4-6 weeks. It might have been one of the things that triggered my breakdown, looking back. Watching his attention for her fade until she became something that got between him and his first cigarette of the day, while I generally did the feeding and fussing.
I empathised too much with that little cat right then, and it wounded my heart. She actually glued it back together with her love and affection. Like me, sweet and desperate to nuzzle and bond. Most people want to build attachment. Most mammals want to build attachment - after parenting a human child, it was easy to just be there, meeting basic needs and supplying unconditional love.
And I've been up a few hours now and already exhausted, so back to cuddle my furball and slip in and out of dreams.
