the heretic genetic algorithm

One of those long random updates that would have been better split up lengthwise, I fear, but didn't lend itself to sensible splitting.

I feel mostly ok, in that I don't feel ok but know that not feeling ok is ok. In some ways I feel I do the second dead parent an injustice as I've been here and done this before and kind of know how it goes. On the other hand, the feeling of painful entire supra-generational wipeout is so profound it occasionally makes me want to vomit. Or do something momentously wild and crazy to just show that THIS IS NOT OK.

I think one thing that definitely does not feel good is not having any reason for my mum's death. If you weren't on the filter for the last post, the coroner formed an indefinite conclusion verdict. And I thought I was good with that. After all, I'd been prepared rationally for that to be the case, and when it indeed turned out to be so, the rationality continued and I thought I was fine with that. But then I watched an episode of House MD that ruined my calm - in short (and hopefully non-spoilery) some people found someone dead on the house floor and no reason was ever found. And the huge investment I made in that episode coming to a satisfactory conclusion made me realise that all was not well in that part of my brain.

Fact is, those are the facts of the matter, and I have to be ok with them, so there will be some work to be done there, I guess.

In other news, I've been reading more books recently. I've finally found the time to at least grab a few pages every now and then, and just finished an ace book on prime number theory. I'm working on revising for my RHS exams in February at the moment, but after that, I am so dusting off my calculus hat and going out to play. I forgot how much fun that sort of hard maths was. And I so have no antidote to that vast geeky overload there :)

I was actually wondering if there was some sort of religion I could follow that meant I could be reincarnated with Angelina Jolie's looks, Liam Howlett's musical skills, and Riemann's mathematical brain. Probably not...

Work is going well on all fronts. I like my new boss - she's a good role model in that she's both likeable and impressively assertive. I continue to receive good feedback from both bosses and continue to enjoy the job. The gardening is likewise going well and continues to grow slightly. Related to that (and something I'm very excited about) is the opportunity to possibly grab a local allotment that will let me have bees and chickens.

This would rock most fully.

I continue to build on my running. I've started a (probably) healthy minor Fallout 3 addiction, and I wish I had more time for yoga. I even enjoyed socialising recently, and thought I might like to do more of it. So yeah, despite the not being ok, I am essentially ok and will continue to be so, I expect :)

An update before Christmas is unlikely now, so Happy Christmas to y'all and may the days lengthening hours warm your hearts x

Always wanted to use that lyric as a blog title.

Anyhoo, the second notable thing I did today was set fire to my fringe via our explosive grill. Cue much helpful pointing out of the fact from my husband, many tears from the toddler (mostly because he was two inches behind me just as I leapt back), and a square inch of frizzled scalp. Luckily it doesn't show too badly. I'd like to pretend I didn't care about my looks, but going around looking like I've lost my way back to Silent Hill is a bit much even for my flagrant disregard of the external.

The first thing I did was decide to hand my resignation in at the garden centre. Lots of reasons: more time with the offspring, a nagging feeling of guilt fed by my aunt's horror that I make my husband drop the child off ONCE A FORTNIGHT OMG!!!!, and the general difficulty of scheduling a fixed day of week with two busy babysitters and an absent-minded busy executive.

Only the first of those has any great bearing, but the combination makes me think there's more pain than gain in it at the moment. On a personal level, I'm not bitter. I'm struggling to deal with the loss of a big part of my identity and self-esteem tied up in holding down a steady job, but that's not all bad. Other things will happen. On a global scale, I wonder if it's this difficult for me, how hard must it be for other mothers with more pressing financial needs and less family support? The world sucks.

Just more generally about the big stuff, rather than pretending to be the data contact for some faddle-arse little HE data survey that you can't actually do yourself.

FFS - *eye roll*

I don't actually miss this job. I though I did when it initially became apparent that I wouldn't be able to have it any more [on my terms]. Now I've realised that I just don't fit through lack of interest rather than lack of qualituies.

It's a boost to my self-esteem that moving away from here has made me realised that I *can* play the games - I'm not incapable, just disinterested.

Birthday was great - thanks for cards and online good wishes. Probably more on that later.

In less good news, I should no longer have a well-paid career-type job by about ten past 9 tomorrow morning. Ho-hum.

My replacement at work is leaving already - gone to work for the bomb squad.

Ben's sleeping ages at night at the moment - blissful, except 0ct0pus and I were awake fretting at 4:30 AM :) We had a sneaky peak, and he slept on until 6:30...

Right now I'm pissed off because I have a stinky cold and I can't take anything for it.

*gurgle*

Talked to my boss yesterday, and got some idea of what I'm coming back to. Planning, strategy, and a more customer-facing role. And a re-grade, possibly. All sounds good to me.

Set some boundaries with my brother last night, which involved a cessation of annoying pilfering from my mum's bank account. Which means a whole lot less stress for me, thank god.

So life is being challenging right now, but in a positive way.

*snuffle*

Just under 5 km in 32 minutes. I so rock! And I finally decided to go for the CRUK 10km. On a course that won't kill me :)

In other news, work is too busy. And it's the bluegrass festival this weekend, so we get to try out our plush new tent, with added space :))

There was something else, but I've forgotten...

Oh yeah - more donkey cam:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/content/webcams/donkey_sanctuary_outdoors_webcam.shtml

Work constantly feels out of my comfort zone. Every day, pretty much, has something I'd rather not be doing. Which is good for personal growth, but also exhausting.

Today I gave a talk on the survey I run every year. Which went fairly well, but on top of minutes for a 3 hour meeting, and setting up processes for system management in a possibly controversial setting...

Well, I'm just knackered. I think I deserve more pay.

OK, today is not going well.

My mum managed to elicit twice her due amount of money from me and my brother on Saturday. Which means she went on a massive bender for a few days. Which means she's now virtually incapable.

I don't actually care all that much. Except her mum (my gran) keeps phoning me every 12 hours in floods of hysterical tears, leaving messages for me to go up and help my poor mother.

Without wishing to sound heartless, I don't actually care all that much. Plus, I'm hugely busy and hugely exhausted.

I can't concentrate on my work with this going on in my ear all the time.

And I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with one of my rpojects without telling the guy he's stupid. It's not my fault - he's driving me into the corner of no return.

Anyway. The weekend was good. I went walking and canoeing with d_ph4ze, which rocked. I did my 3 minutes upgrade to my running with little problem, and I blagged about £500 worth of garden design contract.

And yesterday I went to see my godson, who's all of teh cute.

Doesn't alter the fact that I'm knackered. Snore.

I ran about a mile today. I should add this to my exercise log card. I should also pay some cash into my bank account.

One of the things I've learned about work in the past few days is to try and cram the things I have to do in the time I have available. I did my minutes in about half an hour today. Normally it takes much longer. Now they're probably a bit shitter than if I'd taken an hour or two to do them, but not significantly shitter.

Certainly not 100% shitter.

And it'll take me less than the remainder of the time to mindlessly implement peoples' comments. Which are political rather than factual anyway.

I can't be bothered wasting chunks of my life in some of the work that I have to do. Does it show too badly? I think I've reached a point where I've had enough, as I've started to slightly dread going into work every morning. It started after my last holiday. It's not bad enough to flake out, but it is enough to hate about 60% of my job.

Oh, and my ex is an arse. Seems like everyone else noticed that but me, up until the last month or so.

Guess my brain is changing again.