the heretic genetic algorithm

Well, Vernal Equinox has come and pretty much gone, marked by flurries of snow. Not doing overmuch to celebrate this year. Not feeling too great anyway - bad sleeping. Bad dreams. Woke up the other day to find myself shouting. Woke up this morning after awful dreams about Dad killing himself. Felt shit for a few hours, then remembered that today was his birthday. He would have been 57 this year. Not sure whether that made things better or worse.

0ct0pus and I resolved to get on top of the niggling DIY chores around the place, which has helped my mood.

I also spent a good couple of hours kicking ass around the garden. Slapped my two fruit trees in and found the guts to prune them back heavily and start training them against the fence. Easter present from 0ct0pus was a kickass saw, so lots of general pruning has been going on, and the garden looks good for it. Of course, major pruning leads to shredding, which is good too.

Have also been setting many seeds. Mostly veg, but a few flowers too.

Actually, I haven't yet. And technically the interviews are yet to be held. But I have a pretty shrewd idea who's been pre-selected to replace me. Makes you sick, really, doesn't it? Especially as this will be a short-cut to a 30+k a year never-actually-advertised job for them.

Pre-destination is a reality, I guess.

Anyhoo. Today I've been feeling a little wobbly. Being pregnant does that to you, I reckon, plus I'm missing 0ct0pus which is none of our faults, just a combination of timing, work demands, and house clearance.

Probably most of all, though, is the fact that it would have been my dad's 55th birthday today, and he'd have been looking forward to his first grandchild. He'd have loved that. I try not to feel guilty - I have this feeling that sprog would likely not be here if my Dad hadn't died, and if an alcoholic doesn't dry out for himself or for his kids, why would he really bother for a grandchild?

Truth is, I just miss him. Despite his faults, most of my parental love and reason resided in my dad, so it feels like I have no parents at all. And I just miss him as a person. He was good to talk to.

He had a rough time from my mum, I reckon, on careful retrospective observation. I don't think I could have put up with what he did without killing her. Only you can be responsible for what happens to your life, I think, but it was pretty rough on him at times. My mum thinks he was the worst husband ever. Next time I'll tell her that her life is her own responsibility, I think. How can you blame someone 3 years dead for your own shitty state?

Anyway, that's why I feel sad today.

One thing I like about 0ct0pus is that he lets me be sad. Nobody seems to do that these days. My ex told me I should get over losing Dad after about 6 months. My mum and brother said I shouldn't be sad about Kemble dying because she had a great life. My ex's mum said you shouldn't grieve people because it's not "constructive".

And for a long time I gouged my own mental health around trying to do that.

But I actually think they're wrong. A good life is a handy compensation, but what is actually wrong about mourning a loss? I grieve, then left to my own devices, I get over it, remember the good times, move on. Rather than bottling up the tears and leaving them to ferment into bitter anger and depression.

More liberal me thinks that each is entitled to his own way of dealing with things. More cynical me thinks that maybe they're the emotionally imbalanced ones.

Anyway, 0ct0pus looks after me, but lets me be sad if that's what I'm feeling. And I've been a fuckload more mentally healthy since I went out with him, so I appreciate that.